I wish I was…
…crack so that I could be even cheaper.
…a Christian so that having an imaginary friend wouldn’t be considered a sign of insanity.
…everyone in Coldplay except Chris Martin so that I could fuck Gwyneth behind Chris’s back in the dressing room.
…a condom so that you’d only need me once and then I’m off the hook.
…a cunt so that I could be myself all the time, and also stop receiving death threats from fanatic feminists.
…cancer so that I would be more effective.
…a cigarette so that I can be my own cause and effect.
…a cell phone so that I could just transmit your bullshit to somebody else.
…a church so that I would have stupid people inside me instead of being inside stupid people.
…cholesterol so that I would be the better half of you.
…a child so that I could molest myself and get away with it. It’s called ”fucking the system over”, folks.
…censorship so that I could end myself.